I wondered if anyone else knew that I had braved the dangers of one virus to keep another at bay.
By Ryan Howe, Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment | May 1, 2020
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On April 9, my roommate pulled up outside of Kaiser Permanente’s Skyline Medical Offices hauling a package from Home Depot, an old car battery, and a very nervous passenger. They were giving me a ride so that I could avoid parking, run in, grab my prescription, and make a quiet getaway. As we rolled around the roundabout and came to a stop, I could feel a swarm of moths fluttering around in my gut. I pulled up my mask, slipped on my gloves, and headed for the door.
I was barely inside before two hospital workers sitting behind a fold-up table, also sporting masks and gloves, greeted me. A few security guards stood to their right, and a lone person wearing scrubs was off to the left. I stopped about 10 feet back, and the interrogation started.
“What can we help you with?”
“I’m just here to pick up my prescription.”
“Do you have a cough?”
“No.”
“Fever?”
“No.”
“Can we take your temperature?”
“Yes.”
Within seconds, a thermometer was pointed at my ear and I was given the verbal ‘OK’ to move forward to the pharmacy. I thought to wait at the pharmacy was bad before COVID-19, but trust me, no one should have to feel the overbearing amount of anxiety and paranoia that weighed down on my shoulders as I waited for them to call me up to the counter.
“Next.”
“Hi, I’m picking up a prescription for Ryan Howe.”
“Just the Biktarvy today?”
“Yeah…”
My final response hung in the air for a second before I let it slip freely into the hospital. As it moved through the few people in the waiting room and passed the workers at the front desk, a familiar feeling washed away the paranoia as I wondered if anyone else knew that I had braved the dangers of one virus to keep another at bay.
I don’t let those thoughts linger too long, and it was gone before I wished everyone a great afternoon on my way out and bee-lined it for my roommate waiting in the car.
I’m one of the 14,350 people in Colorado who is living with HIV, and Biktarvy is the pill I take once a day to fight it. I still struggle with some of the aspects of living with HIV, including getting ahead on prescriptions during a pandemic (my next prescription is being delivered).
Last year, I spent a lot of time working through the realization that for the rest of my life, I will be living with a virus that is actively trying to destroy my immune system. In the era of PrEP, most of my peers didn’t have an experience similar to mine, and talking to someone who can only empathize with me wasn’t working. So, I re-established my therapy sessions, joined Facebook communities for folks like me, called local organizations for resources, and even reached out to complete strangers to find people who had the information I needed in that moment. It worked.
This year, I’m with the rest of Colorado as we face a new virus.
Currently, the risk of serious illness from COVID-19 for people living with HIV is unknown. Even though the uncertainty is worrisome, it’s comforting to know that even when I feel isolated I am not alone. I am not the only person wondering if my status puts me at greater risk of experiencing the severe symptoms of COVID-19. I’m not the only one sitting in my backyard obsessing over questions that don’t have answers yet. I’m not the only one figuring out how to have connections with others in the era of physical distancing.
I’m adapting to our new normal to protect myself from possible exposure. I have made a few mistakes -- and that’s okay. We’re all trying our best.
My best is spending every minute of every day at home, but also experiencing joy when I slapped on a mask and gardening gloves for a non-essential trip to Ace Hardware. It’s cooking food that’s healthier for me, but devouring the gyro and fries I had dropped off on my doorstep. It’s keeping a physical distance while trying to remain socially connected, but also giving my isolated friend a hug while she mourned the death of her grandpa.
While my risks were all calculated, if I continue to take them my luck will run out and I will be living with two viruses. Order your nonessentials online and wipe them down upon delivery. Learn a new recipe or steal your roommates’ leftovers. Tell your friends you love them over the phone and commit to a lingering hug or two when it's a bit safer. Take this seriously and protect yourself and those around you -- especially if you are immunocompromised.
So far, 2020 has been weird, but none of us are alone in this and if there is one thing I do know about living with HIV during COVID-19, is that people come together when they are up against a virus that kills.
There is no weakness in asking for help. If you don’t know where to start, check out our HIV page for contacts and resources.